Due to several conversations lately, courtship has been on my mind. I'm not doubting my decision or principles, but how would I explain them? How would I promote them? How would I defend them? How would I describe courtship to others?
But, before I deal with courtship, I should say... I know many people who have dated in the past and this post should NOT reflect on them at all. Some of my favorite people in the world have dated, and they are still some of my favorite people. I want to deal with courtship and dating as institutions... not specific examples. Oh, and by the way, many people I know have used some of these principles and called it something other than courtship... such as "dating." :) I'm not attached to the name "courtship." So, "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."
Ok. Moving on...
While deciding on how to present courtship, I asked myself --> Why do I believe in courtship? Why do I want to commit to such these principles?
My reasons fit into 3 categories. 3 categories I would call "the 3 Pillars of Courtship."
The 3 Pillars of Courtship
Protection
Accountability
Purpose
Protection:
When two people become involved, hearts strings are easily entangled. In the early stages of a relationship, this is unfortunate. These attachments can cloud good judgments. In courtship, the young man would ask the girl's father for permission. Fathers are a third-party; they are naturally more objective than either the young men or young women. He can help protect both of their heart strings from becoming prematurely attached.
Accountability:
Responsibility is important for any relationship -- especially a boy/girl relationship. Hanging out with the families keep young people accountable. (My previous Pastor always suggested group activities as a good alternative to one-on-one.) Young men and women are answerable to their parents. In matters of the heart, the rules can become fuzzy. Parents can still see the lines when young people cannot. The Bible tells us to "flee temptation." What better way to flee than to have parental accountability?
Purpose:
The goal of courtship is marriage. This is not to imply that if there are problems, the courtship will not end. However, courtship looks forward to marriage -- not temporary personal gratification. The dating institution contributes to an already prevalent, societal problem: Self worship. Young people, who are not ready for marriage, are in "relationships." By pursing these relationships, they're having "fun." Self-gratification becomes the goal. Contrary to the biblical model of dying-to-self, these relationships promote how "I" feel and what "I" want. In a courtship, the intent, if everything goes well, is marriage.
These 3 tenets are the core of my reasons for believing in courtship as a good principle. While not exhaustive, it does represent my current thinking on the subject... Your thoughts?
7 comments:
Good explanation of courtship! Many times the question has been asked, "So, what exactly is the difference between dating and courtship?" I liked your three sections, or "pillars." :)
The Southern conservative political philosopher Richard Weaver once wrote that "Change by reform is Christian; change by revolution is not."
Courtship aims at functional objectives that Christians should be seeking. And I think that the "dating institution" needs reformation. It needs change. However, "courtship" as it is often being defined in Christian circles looks more like revolution or social engineering.
Social engineering always produces unintended consequences. Take your dad's proposal that we tell all the girls at the dances that they should wait by the watering hole. A fine idea, but I can already tell you that it will create all sorts of new problems. A new social environment is going to emerge around the drink table in which some strategies will improve one's chances of being noticed and others will not. Some girls will learn this explicitly and exploit it. Others will learn it and think it's not fair to exploit it. Most of them will learn it unconsciously or not at all. Then inequalities will emerge again.
Courtship is the same way. You can try to graft on an entirely artificial social structure if you want. You have the Christian liberty to do so. But it's going to be an all-new social environment that few of us understand with the confidence of experience. There will be winners and losers, same as before, only now *nobody* knows what the winning strategy will be, which means there are liable to be more losers in the beginning stages.
The "dating institution" can be reformed so that it works again. I know this from experience, because the Bible Methodists have never bought into the courtship movement, and yet their marriages are quite stable. Those marriages have problems, yes. But because of their openness to teenage dating and romantic emotions, their youngsters are given a relatively safe venue in which to learn the complexities of male-female relations. Consequently, you get young adults who are romantically quite mature and who were a treasure trove of advice for me when I started eying a homeschooled Christian gal in UAB's music department.
I really like your 3 pillars! "Courtship" is a hard thing to define as every family's version will look different. (And trust me, I've seen families do courtship in extremely different ways!) But no matter how families chose to go about it, the emphasis on parental involvement and the dedication to waiting until the couple can act on their attachment (should they indeed prove to be like-minded and compatible) are a really good foundation for building a solid relationship.
I'm looking forward to your upcoming blog posts!
Thanks, Hannah! I really appreciate your encouragement. :) Courtship can be a hard topic about which to speak accurately. After all, no two courtships will look alike! These are only principles not a 3 step process. :D
Bobby, Hmm. Interesting thoughts... and a good quote.
A couple of questions spring to mind... If courtship was around before dating, then is it *really* revolution? Or an older (perhaps deeper) reform? Does that make sense?
Regarding the drink table... In theory, if the new inequalities are less than the old inequalities, than hasn't the whole system been improved? And could this apply to courtship vs. dating as well?
I wouldn't call courtship artificial, but I guess that's clear from my comment above. :)
You're right. Not many of us know what a courtship will look like, because we've never been through it. However, I would argue that a good courtship is a like a good education. There is no one-size-fits-all method. Each individual and their circumstances will affect the process differently. Courtship is *more* about principles than methods. Make sense?
And why does there have to be winners and losers? And, if there are winners and losers, is it any more clear, who will be what, in a dating relationship where the goal (er, purpose? :P) is undefined? (Wasn’t that the best run-on ever?!) Do teenagers (unless they are indeed ready for marriage…) *need* exposure to romance? If they aren’t planning on going forward with that relationship, aren’t they just playing around with someone else’s future spouse? And how will that help them relate to another boy or girl in the future? Doesn’t it just leave scars? Baggage? Something that someone else will need to work through with them?
Just to be clear, I don’t think courtship will produce perfect marriages or save the world. :D I just appreciate the principles, and I think that the modern dating system lacks these principles. So, I have decided (with the support of those wiser than me) to be a supporter of courtship.
Kiri, I love when you comment! Thanks! Miss you already. When are we watching the ball videos?
Laura,
Define what you mean by courtship being around "before" dating. Whenever I've explored an old-timer's statement, "When I was courting your grandmother..." I find that what they actually did was conscientious dating.
Regardless, the question is native to conservatism. Because progressives, Hippies, and Lady GaGa have been mucking around with our cultural norms for so long, they are the new status quo, and any attempt to revert to the old ways becomes the new counter-culture. Thus it is revolutionary.
Regarding the drink table... We don't know whether the new inequalities will be less than the old ones. We've only assumed that at the outset. Which is the point. I prefer the devil I know to the devil I don't know.
I wouldn't say the goals of dating relationships are undefined. Maybe in heathen culture. But not in the Christian subcultures I've encountered. Most of the time, you date because you want to get to know the other person better (in a context where you can't be embarrassed by Mother Bennett's manipulations) and to discover whether they're the type you'd want to get hitched to. And sometimes you date just to have fun with an opposite-sex friend, and you have the mutual understanding with that friend that there are no intentions for anything further than an exciting night out. Some of us just want a socially benign arena in which to express courtliness without having to stress out over a deeper relationship. Like the Old South Balls, except a little more advanced.
There are certain things you learn from being alone together that you can't learn in the group setting. Pro-courtship people argue that we tend to act artificial on one-on-one outings. I argue that we act just as artificial around our families. But the way that we relate that matters most is interpersonal, not corporate. Dating gives you practice at that kind of relatedness.
There are four ways you can treat your scars or baggage: (1) accept the parts you can learn from and use that experience to prepare for the next time, (2) torture yourself with all the parts you wish you'd have done differently, or (3) learn nothing and repeat your mistakes. Everybody needs to learn (1) at some point, because you have no certain control over whether you will get hurt or not.
As I think I have communicated in my previous post, I agree with the principles of courtship. Any Christian would. But they can be achieved within the dating paradigm, and we're better off letting God-conscious intuition guide us rather than social engineering hypotheses.
Bobby,
Alright… I probably shouldn’t beat a dead horse. But, I do want to address some of your comments… This may be out of order, but I’ll try to have some kind of flow to my thoughts. ;)
1st --- I do want to challenge the notion that Old South Balls is connected to the dating culture. Our website states, “Old South Balls does not exist as a prom alternative. Young men do not "take" young women to the balls; there are no "dates." Balls are attended primarily by families.” I don’t want to be offensive, but OSB should not be connected with dating. It is a group activity designed for families with young people.
Ok. Now to start from the top…
Courtship has been around for several centuries as opposed to dating which came about in the 20th century. Therefore, courtship is older than dating. Does that make sense now? I’m not talking about our grandparents, but beyond even what our great-grandparents or great, great-grandparents would have done. :O)
If courtship principles are a return to a more biblical way of approaching relationships, can we afford to worry about whether or not it’s counter-cultural? Is it revolutionary to follow biblical patterns? (Of course, that assumes that you believe that courtship follows biblical principles… which I do ;)
You’re right about the drinking tables. We are assuming that the new inequalities will be less… but, isn’t it the duty of the guys to work on those inequalities? And having the girls altogether should help the guys with their work, yes?
Ok. Firstly, God gave Mother Bennet to the girls for a reason. Perhaps so Mr. Darcy could prove his worth? Anyway, it’s beyond our scope. My point is, just because our parents have defects (and sin – just like the rest of us) doesn’t mean we get to run away from interactions with them. God still tells us to honor our parents. There are no caveats. “Honor your father and mother… only if your mother doesn’t embarrass you.” ;) Is it really appropriate to go out with someone privately, even if there are no further intentions? A wise friend once told me that ministry creates closeness, and hearts are easily entangled. And as I said previously, is it okay to be “just having fun” with someone else’s future spouse? Having two young people go off by themselves doesn’t seem like a good idea either… Can’t just as much fun be had in group situations?
Doug Wilson in his book, Her Hand in Marriage, argues that at some point a young couple may have time together alone. I think he may have mentioned dinners, walks, etc. However, I don’t think it’s supposed to be the norm. Most of married life isn’t spent alone. The couple needs to learn how each other reacts to family and life situations. (Children, service, friends, church, etc.) And, I don’t agree that most of us act just as artificial around our families. Our families see the best and worst of us. Our collective sins rub against each other every day. And our words of encouragement and grace are shared too. Maybe I’m projecting. My family life is quite good by the grace of God. Don’t misunderstand me; my family has problems – just like any other. However, my family knows me best… and we’re not artificial.
In regards to the way to treat our baggage… if the dating institution tends to produce scars, is it worth saving? Not that courtship is scar proof. But, even a courtship that doesn’t end in marriage can be a successful one. :) Hopefully, the “3 Pillars” acted as a safe guard.
I still don’t see how courtship can be considered “social engineering” if there is not a cut-and-dry method. These are merely principles which should help. Hmm. More to think about.
Thanks for the comments, y’all!
This has been a fascinating conversation and I've really enjoyed reading it. You've done an excellent job articulating your thoughts, La.
Regarding ball video watching... Yo no se. Whenever you'd like! This weekend is prob'ly not good for us, but early next week?
See you tonight!
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