What about Courtship?

 So, I've really neglected this area of my life recently. With hospitality, responsibility, ballishness, and planning/organizing other events, I've been swamped. :) But, by God's grace, this blog should have a lot of updates in November...

Due to several conversations lately, courtship has been on my mind. I'm not doubting my decision or principles, but how would I explain them? How would I promote them? How would I defend them? How would I describe courtship to others?


But, before I deal with courtship, I should say... I know many people who have dated in the past and this post should NOT reflect on them at all. Some of my favorite people in the world have dated, and they are still some of my favorite people. I want to deal with courtship and dating as institutions... not specific examples. Oh, and by the way, many people I know have used some of these principles and called it something other than courtship... such as "dating." :) I'm not attached to the name "courtship." So, "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

Ok. Moving on...

While deciding on how to present courtship, I asked myself --> Why do I believe in courtship? Why do I want to commit to such these principles?

My reasons fit into 3 categories. 3 categories I would call "the 3 Pillars of Courtship."


The 3 Pillars of Courtship
Protection
Accountability
Purpose

Protection:
When two people become involved, hearts strings are easily entangled. In the early stages of a relationship, this is unfortunate. These attachments can cloud good judgments. In courtship, the young man would ask the girl's father for permission. Fathers are a third-party; they are naturally more objective than either the young men or young women. He can help protect both of their heart strings from becoming prematurely attached.

Accountability:
Responsibility is important for any relationship -- especially a boy/girl relationship. Hanging out with the families keep young people accountable. (My previous Pastor always suggested group activities as a good alternative to one-on-one.) Young men and women are answerable to their parents. In matters of the heart, the rules can become fuzzy. Parents can still see the lines when young people cannot. The Bible tells us to "flee temptation." What better way to flee than to have parental accountability?

Purpose:
The goal of courtship is marriage. This is not to imply that if there are problems, the courtship will not end. However, courtship looks forward to marriage -- not temporary personal gratification. The dating institution contributes to an already prevalent, societal problem: Self worship. Young people, who are not ready for marriage, are in "relationships." By pursing these relationships, they're having "fun." Self-gratification becomes the goal. Contrary to the biblical model of dying-to-self, these relationships promote how "I" feel and what "I" want. In a courtship, the intent, if everything goes well, is marriage.

These 3 tenets are the core of my reasons for believing in courtship as a good principle. While not exhaustive, it does represent my current thinking on the subject... Your thoughts?

Runs faster, Jumps higher, and Plays volleyball better

Kevin Swanson's thoughts on Courtship with his guest, Doug Wilson.

How to Mess Up Your Daughter's Courtship

Convicting. Interesting. Funny. :)

Small Visions

Being a single person comes with so many blessings; it also comes with many trials. Many of us desire to be married, and this desire comes from God. As we ponder our future spouses, certain characters traits, personalities, and convictions cross our minds. Out comes THE LIST. I hope each of you has one. You know the one, right? Well, if you don’t, let me put the idea out there. The List contains 3 subject headers…

1) What he must be – No compromises/Non-negotiable Example: A strong, mature Christian

2) Important - Things that you could technically comprise on belong here… but you would really rather not comprise. Example: Communicational skills, family traditions, where will we live, etc. and

3) Preferences – recognize that you may get NONE of these. :P Example: Taller than I am :)

Looking over my list, I realize that I don’t pray for my future husband (MFH) nearly as often as I should. I hope God will bless me with a man that fulfills all of my “musts” and most of my “importants.” By God’s grace, I seek to fulfill MFH’s list. Items such as “submissive”, “homemaker”, “godly”, “good cook” ;), and “fond of children” all come to mind for his list. As I seek to imitate Christ, my life should grow in grace. And by God’s sovereign Providence, my life should reflect want MFH will want.

As I read over my list, visionary is under “Must be” or “Non-negotiable.” He must have a goal or a plan for what he wants our lives to look like… A desire to pass on his values, goals, and plans down through generations. A man like that is what I want. Okay, so now you’re thinking: “Wow. Doesn’t she know men like that are once in a generation?” I disagree. Men who have a vision can be found. MFH’s vision may not be vast. He may not be a president to millions, a senator for thousands, or a preacher for hundreds. He may not travel to the moon, build great rocket-ships, or discover a cure for cancer. He may not be another Albert Einstein, Edmund Burke, or Robert E. Lee. He may have a small vision. And that’s okay.

"His master said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful slave. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master.'” Matthew 25:23

God gives different talents to different people. Some are gifted with 2 talents, some are gifted with 5 talents, and others are gifted with 1. If MFH has a plan to use his 1 talent to the fullest of his ability to God’s glory, then Praise God from Whom all blessings flow! I should not be greedy or sad because I cannot help a man who is gifted with 5 talents. God has given me the honor and helping a man with 1, and I should rejoice! My father once told me that women have a great power over men. They can build them up or cut them down. He told me that a wife can make an average man become a good one, and she can make a good man into a great man. Not all men will be a William Wilberforce, George Washington, or Prince Albert. Some men are meant to be Indians, and others are meant to be chiefs. If he is my chief, then I’ll help him be whatever God wants him to be. Even if he’s just meant to be the Indian.

The heart of her husband trusts in her,

And he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good and not evil

All the days of her life.

Proverbs 31:11,12

What does that mean?

“Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each {of you} with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.” Ephesians 4:25



Embarrassment. Frustration. Anxiety.

Heart pounding. Think… Think… Think… What should I say?

Believe it or not, all the previous thoughts and feelings occurred the first time I was ever asked out on a date. The story goes like this:

I was working at school and one of my guy friends followed me to the back of the classroom. Let’s call him Alex. He then asked… “Would you like to get lunch with me sometime?” Cue the confusion. What was Alex trying to say? Lunch? Is that a date? Or a friend thing? What are the implications? My mind raced a mile a moment…

And my remarkable comeback? “What does that mean?” And yes, I actually said that. Most of you will laugh at my reply. It is obvious now that Alex wanted me to go on a date with him… But in the moment, it was less than obvious. I wanted him to spell out his intentions. He replied to my brilliant comeback, “You know… we would go to the Mountainlair and get lunch.”

This is my problem. Men and Women need to be direct with one another to avoid confusion and hurt feelings. But Alex wasn’t the only guilty one. In my weakness, I gave several lame excuses: my schedule, schoolwork, etc. I didn’t give him the dignity of a direct response.

Either of us could be considered guilty of toying with the other. I was unprepared to respond appropriately; Alex couldn't know if I was interested at a later time. Alex was unprepared to lead in the situation; I couldn't know his exact intentions. Is honesty so hard to come by?

“But you did not learn Christ in this way, if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught in Him, just as truth is in Jesus, that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in {the likeness of} God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth. Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each {of you} with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.” Ephesians 4:20-25

My challenge to myself and the rest of you (my four dear readers ;) is to speak the truth! No matter how painful… Face rejection. Face humiliation. Face pain. Face sorrow.

To all the Alex(s) of the world: Be clear. Girls aren’t mind readers; no matter how much we think we are.

To all the me(s) of the world: If you’re not interested, say so. Let him move on.

Speak the truth in love.